Okay, so technically in this picture there is just one melon, but I’m pretty sure that one melon is only a single entendre, and I particularly wanted to make a double one.
Anyway, Saint Pete is currently in the grips of melon season. More specifically, watermelon season… the most pointless of all the melons!
My beef with melons (beef with melon? really?) goes back as far as I can remember. It isn’t that they are particularly offensive… but perhaps that’s the point? I can and have eaten melon, but why would I want to? They aren’t even dignified enough to taste awful (or indeed taste, full stop)… And I find that in itself offensive.
If I am at a wedding and the starter is melon with parma ham, then it is only the parma ham which prevents me from marching over to the head table and forcing my melon down the (soon to be un)happy couple’s throats, rind and all!
And part of my problem is that many people love them. What is there to love? They are nothing… I guess I have an extreme dislike for anything which believes it is better than it really is, especially if it gets the general public to buy into the delusion.
It is for this reason that I have an aversion to Kanye West (a distinctly average rappist [yes, that’s the correct term] and inveterate media whore who believes he is the second coming), Oasis (release one good album, then each year re-release essentially the same album with a different title, whilst telling anyone who’ll listen, how “fookin’ great” you are), and Jeremy Clarkson (no explanation necessary).
I don’t understand why people put up with this interminable shi-ite (this is written in a badly-half-sung Mancunian accent, and has nothing to do with any religious group…). Melons are the food equivalent of this phenomenon. Full of their own self importance, yet haven’t produced any substantial output of notable quality for eons.
Bear in mind that I am not talking about watermelon flavoured sweets here. My favourite Russian sweets include a watermelon flavoured one and it is godlike. It is what watermelon would taste like, if it wasn’t so busy being lauded by the public, which means it doesn’t feel the need to put in any effort and ends up tasting like water.
So anyway, during watermelon season the supermarkets and street stands are full of them, and it is a common sight to see Russians struggling home, hopelessly weighed down by a couple. The picture at the top of the post is taken in my kitchen, and is of the second or third melon that FML brought home and ate.
My Russian teacher told me that it is also common for Russians to invite guests over during this period purely to eat melons, although if anyone invited me to their home and then presented me with a watermelon I’d glass them in the face!… Thankfully nobody did, and most of my Russian friends agree that this would be a rather disappointing invite.
[NB: I wouldn’t really ever glass anyone in the face, nor do I recommend it as a course of action, however disillusioned you may feel with people who you thought were your friends… For that matter, I probably wouldn’t really force melon wedges into anyones throats during nuptials, but it isn’t a good idea to test me out on this one.]
And what’s the idea with all those seeds? At least other melons have the common decency to (in general) keep all their seeds in an easily scoopable lump, but watermelons… pah! “I’m going to distribute my seeds throughout my fleshy nothingness so you have to put in extra effort to get at my edible bits (or risk having a watermelon growing in your tummy*)” It’s as if they think they’re too good to be eaten at all!
I will concede, that if there were any feature which might redeem the watermelon (in some peoples eyes, but not mine), then it is the refreshing nature of the flesh (once all seeds have been painstakingly removed, of course) on a particularly hot day…
But this is Russia in the autumn! Two weeks ago watermelon season started. Twenty minutes ago it was actually snowing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! If my feelings on the matter have at any point been unclear then I am happy to further explain in the comments.
[* eating watermelon seeds will not really make a watermelon grow in your tummy. It is just a rumour, probably disseminated by the melons themselves]